Dan + Gordon
We are Dan and Gordon, a married couple living in Dublin with our two amazing kids; Tadhg (just turned two) and Caoimhe (five months).
Life has been hectic for us over the past few years, with lots going on, including: having Tadhg and Caoimhe (via gestational surrogacy in Canada), me, Gordon leaving my career to be a full-time Papa, selling our family home, buying a complete wreck, and embarking on a renovation project in the middle of a pandemic.
It has been completely mad but we couldn’t be prouder of the family we have become.
We are both from Dublin and grew up at a time when being gay was a crime and very much frowned upon by ‘respectable’ society. To move from that version of Ireland, to one where we can write here about our love for each other and our two children is truly amazing. However, it is deeply upsetting that our family is treated differently to other Irish families. It is something that we simply cannot accept and that we must fight, so we have equality for all our children.
Our story began in 2013, when we first met in The Liquor Rooms in Dublin. It was love at first sight and we have been inseparable since. I, Gordon, was living in London at the time, but within a year I had moved home and had moved in with Dan shortly after that. Getting married in July 2017 was one of the best days of our lives. To look around our wedding party and see the people who we love and care about, celebrating something we never thought would be possible, was an incredibly special and proud moment for us as gay men.
We both knew we wanted to become parents, but didn’t know if it would be possible. Once we were married, we really started to focus on this. We did lots of research and gradually started to piece the various elements of the puzzle together. We chose to have our children through gestational, altruistic surrogacy in Canada. Even though we had, and have, strong relationships with our egg donor and our two surrogates, both our journeys took up huge emotional space in our lives. As everyone knows, having babies - no matter what the circumstances - is a big deal. However, it gets more complicated when you are thousands of miles and several time zones away from your baby. Throw in the global pandemic that occurred during our second journey and you get a flavour of some of the stress we experienced.
However, every single day which we start with cuddles, all the stress just fades away, it was so, so worth it. That first time holding our kids, every smile, giggle, demanding food and then not eating food, sleepless nights, nappies, more nappies, and every other part of the parenting experience makes us count ourselves lucky - it was worth it. We would do it all again if we had to, multiple times over. We are so incredibly proud.
Tadhg is an inquisitive, active little boy, who never stops talking. He loves his books, especially when he is reading them with his best friend, a monkey called Burpy, who he sleeps with every night. He adores his grandparents, who all spoil him rotten. He is a very happy and content child who loves his sleep, for which we are very grateful! He recently discovered “Beauty and the Beast” and is smitten with Belle. He has been a great big brother since the arrival of his little sister Caoimhe. He is often found patting her on the head and basically wants her to hurry up and get bigger, so they can play together.
Caoimhe is a smiler. She never stops! She is just discovering her hands so she is forever eating them and grabbing the toys on her playmat and eating those too. She simply adores Tadhg and is always looking at him in the sweetest way. Her best friend is a little monkey called Mr Schnuffles. She is already quite vocal, so we think there is a second chatterbox in the making with her!
We always knew our family's legal position would be precarious, but we hoped that it would be resolved through legislation at this stage. Sadly, and to our surprise, that has not happened yet. As parents, we don’t want our children to feel any different to other children. Being two busy, often tired, people we don’t want to worry about who is legally allowed to take them to the doctor or who can consent to medical procedures if one of them ends up in hospital. In the recent past we have been quizzed about our relationship to our children by Passport Control. It was uncomfortable and demeaning. We don’t want anyone to have to go through that.
We have just completed the Declaration of Parentage process for Tadhg. This took two years. This essentially allows for his biological fathers legal rights and responsibilities towards his son to be formally and legally recognised by the Irish state. It also means for the first time Tadhg can get an Irish passport. While this was a really important and critical step for us, getting it also felt wrong, because it cements the non-existence of the non-biological Dad and emphasises his lack of status. He was not allowed to play any part in the application we made to the Court and was never addressed during the entire process. He simply does not exist in Irish law. That just feels wrong. He does exist. He is our son’s parent and he exists every day, being an amazing and loving parent. He is an integral part of our family and you can’t just ignore that.
For us it’s very simple: we just want to both be recognised legally as our kids’ Papa and Dada. We really don’t understand how other countries like Canada, where we are both listed as parents on both our kids’ Canadian passports, can have this in place for years and here in Ireland we are still dithering over how and when it will be done. Our kids are growing up fast. They need this resolved.
