We met on the 22nd September 2007 whilst in our mid to late twenties and married exactly ten years later on the 22nd September 2017. We had many years together asa couple, living the life that couples do; going out for dinner whenever we liked, going on holidays where we lay on the beach all day, having lazy days and long sleep-ins at the weekend. Idyllic as this sounds, as we headed towards our forties, we realised that there was more to life than this. We wanted a family. This commenced a process of looking for fertility clinics and exploring our options.

Eventually, we decided to attend the Beacon fertility clinic in Dublin as their website clearly welcomed same sex couples. After two rounds of IVF, I conceived Chloe following our third embryo transfer on the 20th December 2019 via reciprocal IVF, using with donor sperm. Chloe was born the following September. Gone were our lazy morning sleep-ins and eating out at leisure. The money we had spent after two rounds of IVF was far more than we had originally (naively) anticipated, but it was all worth it. Our lives would never be the same again, we were hopelessly in love with Chloe! We had not anticipated difficulty with her birth certificate but soon found out that we needed to get a court order to allow Kelly to become a legally recognised parent on Chloe’s birth certificate. We were thankful to have a means of recognition by gaining a court order for parentage despite the process lacking in equality. The legislation changed around this time. Had we conceived Chloe only a number of months later, we would not have had to go through the courts for this parental recognition.

We had hoped to have a second child via reciprocal IVF and tried another two rounds with the Beacon. However, none of the following three transfers worked. We accepted that if we continued to want another child then we needed to consider egg donation. We looked into this process in Ireland only to learn that waiting times were long and some clinics were not even accepting patients for egg donation at that time. We decided to look abroad instead. Again, after some research we decided to go to Portugal for egg donation. Notably, some countries would not accept us as a same sex couple although they would accept single women for treatment. We were not willing to pretend that I was a single parent. The irony of this now is almost laughable!

Unfortunately, the first round abroad using donated eggs was not successful. In February 2023 we decided that; after having spent nearly €80,000, after having subjected our bodies to medication for four years, and after experiencing heartbreak with each failed transfer, we needed to stop trying to extend our family. However, the sadness we felt over the next two months was too great. In April 2023, Kelly suggested we try just one more time. I had been wanting to suggest this to her but didn’t want to put her through any further stress. When she asked me, I burst into tears with relief! We scheduled what was to be our sixth round of IVF and were fortunate to get pregnant in July 2023, giving birth in April 2024 to our second baby girl, Emily. We could not have been more delighted!

We set about contacting the registry office in late April. We were naïve about the new law. We had assumed we could both now go on Emily’s birth certificate straight away. It didn’t take us long to learn that I had to register as a single parent. The registry office informed us that we could re-register via a court order. We contacted the courthouse to ask about this and were advised that the new legislation does not cover our situation. However, they informed us that we could default to the old legislation via court order. They sent us the Declaration of Parentage forms we needed to complete in order to do this. We followed the instructions given to us, went to court, and received court orders a few weeks later determining Kelly to be legally considered a parent of Emily. This was the same process as we had followed for Chloe. We then contacted the registry office to book a slot to register Emily, as we had done for Chloe. This is when the reality of our situation began to hit. The registry office were apologetic but not able to register Emily under both our names despite the court orders. They also acknowledged the discrimination of our situation; had we been a heterosexual couple, nobody would have known to ask about IVF, let alone donor assisted reproduction and location of conception!

The registry office requested copies of the court orders. Confused, we contacted the courthouse again for some clarity. They stated that we had done everything correctly, that procedure had been followed, and to go back to the registry office. They also advised us to seek legal advice at the courthouse which was available on Monday mornings. We went to the courthouse on Monday the 17th June to get the free legal advice. Coincidentally, just as we arrived, we received a phone call from the courthouse. We were informed that the General Registry Office had been in contact with them to advise that the court orders were incorrectly granted. We were also informed that the judge had made space between her sessions to revoke the court orders and we were asked to attend that immediately or lose the opportunity and have to wait days for another one. We were not given much time to make a decision about this. We considered that nobody in their right mind would consider this an opportunity and willingly walk into a court to have their parental rights taken from them. On that basis, we left the courthouse without presenting to the judge. Naturally, we both felt devastated; not just to have lost the parentage we thought we had but also to have been given only a few minutes notice to sit in front of a judge to lose it.

We are now in a situation where we have two children; one of whom is legally recognised as having two parents and one of whom is not. They are not recognised as equal in the eyes of the law. A heterosexual couple would not be in this situation, so we as a couple are also not afforded equal rights in the eyes of the law despite being married. We are hurt by the legal situation in Ireland. We have been hurt by the errors made by the court and the expectations put on us when the errors were realised.

Six rounds of IVF. Nine embryo transfers over five years. Two children. We thought our fight to have a family were finally over. It isn’t. Shame on you Ireland. The law must change.

Lucy Smith and Kelly Dalziel

June 2024